All along.

I’ve been holding my breath.

Spent the summer swimming.

Practicing.

I’ve dived deep into freezing rivers.

To look at the fish.

Finding a true inner peace.

A happiness.

Then I tumbled down currents,

With a mask to see clearly.

Took in all the darkness.

Steadied my heartbeat.

Swam towards a mirrored horizon.

Paused for just a moment.

Life pushing me forward.

Bubbles to the surface.

Laughing with courage.

I am awoken.

With love.

For my soul unbroken.

Good enough.

In my own words.

To be loved. 

LP

I am camping in the Cascades lot 76.

Seventy six, 76. 

Lake Diablo in June 

Twenty Twenty Two,

Twentytwentytwo. 2022. 

How do you spell 2022?

this year.

19 dead. 

and a gun.

19 in a room.

my room. 

Has kindergarten won?

Has the fight been fought?

Yet?

Will everyone just move on?

I sit and hear songbirds,

not a loon, but a lark?..? 

the name of this old new bird

the one so simple. 

I forgot!

I hear how it rings, sings sweet.

Like a pull on a bell. 

This morning I heard all the birds wake

The forest filled with new song. 

Watched,

Night turn to day.

But now, sunset.

Sunset blue in the sky. 

the sun just pops through.

pops. no, peeps!

jumps from one, then, two. 

Two mountain peaks.

Day is alive all through,

around me. 

daylight, so bright,

blue sky, Rocky Mountain,

North Star sweeps.

above me. 

Stones skip,

Skip Milky Way,

and sleep.

Sleep.

Sleep with a bullet in your brain. 

Bleeding out on the classroom floor.

Blamed a teacher who opened a school door.

There is warmth still in me.

Addymae under the sleeping bag.

Took all my savings out.

Slept on the ground.

The sun filled my skin.

Changed me in a day.

Slip off some rocks.

Plunge into bliss.

Ice blue.

Blue mud bay.

Broke my paddle 

Taped together.

Out of glue.

Still found daylight.

A Glimpse.

Glints gold flakes.

Fools for sure,

I am a fool for you.

Sweet Strawberry girls.

Summer pink from the sun.

Pinch a cheek.

Eat princess soup.

Two stinky butt girls 

Dragged an air mattress 

Could care less

About what you may do.

Built up a wall

To heal and stay hidden.

Hide in my tent.

Sit and listen.

Met my gods this year.

I met my children.

19 in a room.

3 boys.

3 boys I am going to teach.

Teach you how to sit.

How to sit and listen!

Please don’t walk on the tables!

Get down now,

I’m counting 3, 2, 1.

Count to 100.

Please. 100 please. 

Start at one.

But don’t worry.

“We can always take a break.”

“You can say skip if you need to.”

But don’t yell for help.

When you need to be saved.

In fact be silent,

And lay on the floor.

Away from the windows,

Shots fired,

Start Counting:

1… 2… 3… 4… 

78 minutes? Or was it 86?

How many 911 calls are made by a kid?!.

Fine, fine liar.

Fine, fire, sinks below my skin.

Fire sinks. To my heart.

Call me a liar.

Fire liar, fire liar lena

Mind wilder.

Quick step, skip this way,

Skip this lane

Find new balance

Stiff knee, hip, back. New frame. 

Figure out who?

Gave that up.

Now my toes hurt.

I lumber, old limber

So limber a tree.

Till years go by.

A tree like a stump,

100 feet, Rounds.

I move like a slug.

Happier, still.

Music bit by bit.

One step at a time

I’ll try not to skip.

Skipped school at 18,

Went and bought a gun.

Depressed.

You said.

Dropout,

Deadbeat.

Child.

Ready, aim, fire.

And a murderer for one.

Then of 2, 3, 4, and 19.

Nineteen kids dead.

Oh, what grade do you need me to teach?

LP

I don’t need supplies.

I need your vote.

For you.

Your family.

Your future.

I taught them to be quiet.

To hide by the safe wall.

We use our walking feet.

Hide your body.

Be quiet.

Crawl.

While I turn off the lights, close the blinds.

Lock the door.

Whisper out names.

Make sure everyone is accounted for.

Some voices turn to giggles.

“Why are we doing this?”

Don’t you remember?

It's now a lesson I teach, a book I read.

The video about safety, the one we watched.

You are just a baby. 

You’ve never heard gunshots.

I follow my training.

The one I learned in a library.

Just another staff meeting.

When “What if?” comes to play.

Fire Extinguisher in hand.

I climb a chair.

I tell the children it will be okay.

Because we practiced.

They’ve been instructed to grab weapons.

They’ll use the school supplies you sent them.

I tell the 5 year olds to defend themselves.

While I wait above the door.

Standing on a bookshelf.

To use my life.

To save someone.

Someone I love.

Did you know that is what teachers are made of?

Guess what?

I still love my job.

Those babies light my heart up.

We care for them so much.

Add Human Shield to our job description.

“You must be a saint.”

They say in the hall.

To have patience for children?

Oh you must be heaven sent.

Yes. I am only trying my best.

Have a growth mindset.

After a drill, I survey the wreckage.

Wipe tears from eyes that are scared senseless.

Have a calm class discussion.

Communicate our emotions.

Ask questions.

Man, these kids are smart.

Empathetic.

Engenius.

Like “What happens if Ms. Porter is hurt?”

How? Do we? Help her?

Where do we run for the help we need?

What do you mean we run to the street?

I’ve imagined all the “What ifs?”.

I dream of blood, 

seeping from,

the bodies of,

your children.

As they are scattered across the playground.

I see their corpses in the classroom.

I can hear the screams now.

The ones for change.

To the 2nd amendment.

I ask you.

Your guns?

or

Your children?

Whose future are you protecting?

I’ll buy my own markers, scissors, and supplies.

Make a choice.

Vote.

Use your voice.

Tell me the cost of a child’s life. 

LP

“That's not how this works”

Was the conversation I had.

With a woman.

On the beach, no, in the parking lot.

Standing in the middle of the only free parking spot.

Sometimes you can get lucky, 

Sneak on in.

But not when I'm leaning out of my car. 

A line behind.

With my blinker on. 

Waiting.

She waved her hand at me and said “This one's mine.”

Her husband on the phone. 

Trying to rush time as he drives

To take the space of someone else. 

You had your turn. 

Now you have to wait, like everyone else

“I want it! Mommy! I want it!”

Screaming like a child.

You should know better. 

Or at least try.

I hope that woman has some compassion left. 

Seeing what you can take.

Not happy with the get.

Life of little unhappiness. 

Could ruin such a day at the beach!

I sat there behind the wheel and tried, continued, remained.

While my heart just beat.

Feeling it echo through my being.

Concealing all those feelings. 

She moved when she realized she had no other choice. 

I stood my ground. 

Used only a calm voice. 

Between a decision I watched her make. 

Then she moved out of the way. 

With some type of look on her face. 

I parked and yelled out “Hey!”

She whipped back, waiting for the fight at bay.

“Thank you” was all I had to say.

For understanding.

Why I was right the whole time. 

Even though I had to remind you.

You had to be told twice.

Looking how you can get ahead

Instead of looking out for the next person.

She turned around and shouted back,

“You're welcome.”

LP

I am biting my nails again.

Bad habit of mine.

Sat and thought of my impact on black lives.

My sister on the phone.

Another conversation.

Gets less hard over time.

Glad we talked about it.

A resolution we can find.

Hang our flags up.

I am not mad,

Just trying to understand.

Why?

Is it that hard?

To look in someone's eyes.

And see human.

We have the same light.

Your shadow is as dark as mine.

Change is something you realize.

An action.

You cause.

What you find.

Make a difference.

Make up your mind.

Wouldn't it be boring?

If we were all the same.

Beautiful, different lives.

Existing side by side.

Down the street.

We could meet.

On the corner of love and pride.

I hope I see you there!

Together.

Hand in hand.

We can march.

We can cry.

Habits can change.

You’d be surprised.

LP

A hawk sits across from me on the riverbank.

I see his whiteness and hear a chirp he makes,

reflected through teal clear water.

He searches for me.

Do you watch the moves I make?

Aloft in a tree.

So simple, your shape.

Your colors, just two.

Hiding from sight.

Murderous mood.

As I sit and I drip

Lurking in the sky.

I inspect the hair on my thighs.

I crossed the icy river.

The one that scared me in July.

Met the fish and crawdads beneath me.

Swam straight to the other side.

The depth below a fazy mystery.

Heartbeat in my throat.

Wait, no.

My breath, 

it is,

escaping me.

But I did not really even choke.

On the shore I stood.

Rocky banks tease a slip to my demise.

I found more than I thought.

It seems.

There is more than meets the eye.

Because how long it took me to jump in the first place!

Safe on the sand.

Took awhile to take a chance with my own fate.

Worked on my tan.

There is news from the other side of the river.

For one,

The sun.

Shines on a different cheek.

New heights, they challenge me.

I’ll climb higher than you think.

Onto a ledge with peril below.

Or is it just water?

Water that was once just snow.

Back to safety.

I dive deep.

And touch the marble floor.

Let the current

Just take me.

As the tide,

Takes the shore.

The surface does not reflect my image.

Instead glints sun

Ceiling, barrier, line.

Of an edge.

I gasp and kick,

Reach new limits

Push past the fear,

See the end.

Have I surrendered or survived?

Numb limbs.

Thick skin.

Yeah, I know.

Floating is nice,

But I like to swim.

LP

I am staring at palm trees.

And a rainbow ombre sunset.

I still can’t think of you fondly.

I haven't gotten there yet.

Maybe I will, when we move to a new house. 

Maybe I won’t, haven't figured it all out.

There is a wall that greets me.

As I look for your face.

Something invisible rises.

But I feel it.

Like a lock click in place.

I see what's behind me.

The road is dead.

Burned to the grave.

I’ve walked through a doorway.

Left and found change.

I flip through the pages.

I like the noise it makes.

I won't be able to forget you.

Your knife went deep.

The body remembers pain.

Will my bones always know you?

Besides, forgetting you doesn’t seem brave.

Last year I cried myself to sleep.

Sobbed screaming at the truth.

That I would have to live the rest of my life without you.

How will I be okay?

I shiver.

Get up.

Find the stars.

But lose the moon?

Stretch and search clearly.

Take a deep breath after laughing.

Playing with the dogs.

I am starving to forget.

You’ve gone.

A shudder ruins through me.

When I slip back into an afternoon.

Suddenly, I can hear the beat of your heart.

The sound of your breath, as you exhale.

The air around me changes.

We are walking across the street again.

Going nowhere.

I can see the light dancing through the green again.

Your hand reaching for mine.

Then the tears fall from my eyes.

Crashing down.

Like I did.

To the floor.

Memories flash forward to all the reasons why.

Jolted by the truth.

It's got me surrounded.

Jilted with feeling our goodbye.

The sounds coming from the next room aren’t you.

After all that time.

Years safe in your arms.

Asleep to all I dreamed of.

A life we could share.

Ours, not mine.

When I realized I was alone.

I was shaken to the bone.

In the hearth of our home.

In that room.

Where the word we died.

You said “you are stuck with me forever.”

And I believed you.

I still don’t think you lied.

I wince.

Confused.

Because why?

And for who.

I screamed in the mirror.

Wearing my sparkly shoes.

Trying to ignite a light inside.

Engulfed by your shadow.

All your blue.

Like you said.

“Nothing in my life is the same.”

“Everything's changed.”

Regret runs circles behind our eyes.

Had and was, were how you described.

Our love.

And this time, it was I.

Who had to acknowledge you were right.

Now untangled.

Untied.

I am singing to the dark.

Starry Sky.

Reclaiming life.

I am wearing your clothes. Smoking in the yard.

They are mine now. Of course.

I believe I earned them.

Round manito park in the snow.

You used to keep me warm.

I smelled the inside front pocket.

Looking for the scent of spokane.

And I found it.

In our laundry detergent.

Tossed my head back when I felt your presence.

Addy lays in the sun now.

While I am frozen in the grief.

A light went out.

Now your shadow is missing on every horizon.

And it still hurts in this moment. 

Ow.

She snarls. Rolling in the shade. Burned back. The light of day.

Reaches my fingertips.

I can move again.

It takes awhile to stand.

But I am here.

I am important.

With things to do.

I know. I can.

I am cooking and I hate you.

Stretched in a hammock.

Swinging between forces.

Energy in the wind.

Sunshine on my skin.

I wish, for all of this.

To change me, again.

Did you notice the shift?

In the present.

Comprehend?

Smile. You have life to live!

Besides, sometimes you still won’t understand.

Don’t you get it?

You lost me.

And all I had to give.

I can’t forget it.

How my love for you clouded my vision.

Obstructed the things I wanted.

I stood back. And let you win.

Now. I’ve got things to do. Life to live!

The past. Away from you.

Just in a second.

I am good.

At crying myself to sleep.

Warmed by my breath, under the sheets.

But in the mirror.

Crying is a different thing.

Stained glass. Falling from my eyes.

Collapsing down my cheek.

I sold some cows on the side of the road.

You hang them on a tree.

Sometimes I fall asleep at parties.

I once had an old life.

I remember it.

Crying while dancing.

Did you know I am trying?

To be a beautiful thing.

I find myself.

Smiling.

Laughing.

Giggling.

Drawing a new life.

I am inspiring.

Then I begin to sing.

LP

There was a solar eclipse today.

And I remember what happened.

The last time the moon crossed the sun.

It was the summer we fell in love.

Unstoppable forces.

Hung in the air.

Turns out you were just stopping by.

When I thought we were destined.

Destined to collide.

We couldn’t fight it anymore.

I felt it every time.

Your shadow passed over me.

When you left.

Time stopped.

It was our future you tore.

Up among the stars.

I was orbiting away.

Far.

Turns out this was good for me.

I needed space from you and I.

Then, I had more to explore.

Turns out.

I am the sun.

I am the sky.

Charting courses.

Our planets didn’t align.

You stood in front of me.

When all I wanted was to stand by your side.

The darkness didn’t last as long as I thought it would.

It is hard to stay dark when you are light.

Now, once again.

I am bright.

LP

There are frozen roses alongside my house.

And the sunflowers of summer.

Have all laid down.

I pick the brown petals and count aloud.

What memory am I dreaming of now?

Heavy from the snow.

Searching for the ground.

Somehow, I know.

There’ll be,

The green,

Of a sprout.

and over,

and over,

I feed myself doubt.

Don’t come any closer.

You might find out.

That the roses I’ve been growing,

were for me.

Anyhow.

Planted seeds,

Killed the weeds.

Wiped the earth,

from my brow.

Lp

Sunset on the hillside

Diminishing daylight

Golden hue highlight

Shadow down the horizon line

With palm to cheek

I watch the light yellow up the green

But only on the peaks

And the lines beneath

The forest of the valley

Into darkness it deeps

With the tops of the trees

Swaying in a lit breeze

Last little edge it will reach

And suddenly 

I can see

Without the sun

A new value

Meets me

The fog of dusk reveals

Clarity

So I count the shapes

My fingers trace

The glimmers left behind

Suspended in time

For only seconds until 

Days end

Orange

Friend

Meet me in the morning

And light me up again

I wake up to a “happy birthday!”

Then, later, I am crying washing dishes.

Lover popped up on the playlist.

Stopped and opened all my presents.

I’ve got strudel in the fridge.

I lit some incense.

There's cake to make.

The candles are counted.

On the couch, Addy and I snuggled.

The sunflowers are arranged.

Did I mention the principal called me this morning?

Offered me kindergarten!

Today!

Then…

I painted.

In the sun I’ll bake.

At the beach with the dogs.

Sunk my toes in the sand.

Tried not to wake up.

Tried not to fall asleep.

On a horizon.

I lost my shadow.

But then I look and find it.

Stirring the pot.

I’ve got my own whisk to lick.

So under the octopus towel I sit.

As the cold wind tries to shift, change, mold.

Me again.

Like a wave changes the sand.

Grain by grain.

I am different.

So later we can go for a walk in the park in the dark.

As the streetlights up.

We might lose some stars.

But find Jupiter.

The footsteps back show you the path.

I follow the color.

Looks like a map.

I am craving tacos and a strong margarita.

At the restaurant, I was surprised.

By twentyfive.

Of my,

New friends.

Hiding behind menus.

Laughin.

Then we went and sang karaoke.

I hugged all of them.

In the morning, I am going to LA.

With my cousin.

I’ve got museums to see.

My oils are in the yard.

I need inspiration.

I saw 12:12 on the clock.

I sat up and laughed.

Midnights been coming!

Quick catch it.

I know it at last.

I feel good!

I start to dance.

My arms are up!

It's that new song.

Makes me move again.

I am breathing!

Spinning,

Stretching,

Changing.

I’ve got my brushes.

I am painting.

The colors are right.

Pen in my hand.

I shivered for days.

Now from excitement.

LP